My Life This Year

“So Come – Brush Against the Wall of My Life”

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they lose someone they love, whether it be a child, a parent, a grandparent, a spouse, a close family member, or a best friend. Death, unfortunately, is inevitable.

1 Corinthians 15:55 - “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”

The recent shooting in Aurora, Colo., has many of us thinking about the fragility of life. It’s sad to think that there have been so many senseless deaths due to acts of violence such as this theatre shooting, the many school shootings, wars, or even 9/11. There are victims and survivors, and stories about heros begin to be told. Their lives not only touched the lives and hearts of the family and friends they left behind, but they touch the lives and hearts of us as well, even though we never knew them.

Back in 1992, my best friend Vanessa (yes, we have the same name) was killed in a single-car accident. She was only 19 years old. She truly was my best friend, and her death left a little hole in my heart.

In college, I wrote a story for the school’s newspaper about a student named Phillip, who was hit by a car as he was walking across the pedestrian crosswalk. He was on life support for more than a week before his family took him off life support. He died a short time later.

My first job out of college was as a news reporter for the local newspaper and one of my first news stories was about a fatality due to a car accident. I actually showed up on the scene and saw the deceased still sitting in the passenger seat of the car. During my two years as a news reporter, I covered numerous deaths – some vehicle fatalities, a few murders, and a handful of suicides.

When I worked in PR at the local university, I had the responsibility of writing about the deaths of several students. One student died after a terrible storm caused a large tree limb to fall on her when she was camping. A couple of students died as the result of car accidents. I even had to handle the press after one of our popular English professors was stabbed to death in her home by a relative of her ex-husband.

Death is all around us, like it or not. But it’s harder to deal with when it touches your life on a personal level.

A couple of years ago, my grandpa (my dad’s father) passed away due to complications from Alzheimer’s Disease. If I’m honest with myself, he was never the same after his initial stroke six years prior to his death. And even though I had several years to come to terms with the fact that mentally he was gone, I still had a hard time dealing with his (physical) death. Ever since I was a child and up until the time he had his stroke, he always called me his “Angel.” I still think of my grandpa often and can sometimes still smell his aftershave when I think of him. He died the Wednesday before Easter and he would have been 89 in December of that year. His death left a little hole in my heart.

Most recently, my family has been dealing with my other grandpa’s (my mom’s father) illness. He was diagnosed with colon cancer a little over four years ago and for the past month, his health has been on a roller coaster ride to say the least. He was in and out of the hospital and had to have a stint put in his right kidney. He is battling nausea on a daily basis and Hospice was recently called in, meaning that all of his nausea and kidney issues is a part of the progression of his disease (colon cancer). My grandpa is 88 and his death will leave another little hole in my heart.

Several years ago, I dreamed that my father had died. It was so real that I woke up sobbing. It was sometime in the wee hours of the morning, sometime between 1-3 a.m. EST. My husband called my parents for me (they lived in Mississippi at the time and were an hour behind us) and when my mom answered the phone, I was sobbing so hard that she could barely understand me as I cried out to speak to my dad. Hearing his voice was comforting, but the dream felt so real. My dad is alive and well today, but that dream still haunts me to this day because I know that it will be a reality one of these days.

As I said earlier, death is inevitable – for all of us.

“They say that in the second before our death, each of us understands the real reason for our existence, and out of that moment, Heaven or Hell is born. Hell is when we look back during that fraction of a second and know that we wasted an opportunity to dignify the miracle of life. Paradise is being able to say at that moment: “I made some mistakes, but I wasn’t a coward. I lived my life and did what I had to do.” - Paulo Coelho

I, myself, want to live a long life, but who’s to say that I won’t die tomorrow. I want to live everyday to the fullest, without fear, but I often find myself wasting away hour after hour doing nothing. And when I think about death or dying or the world ending or the fear of nothingness after I die, my entire body begins to tingle and I have to literally shake the feeling off by quoting 2 Timothy 1:7 – ” For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” That scripture brings me a sense of peace.

So tonight, I sit here at my computer, blogging about life and death, encouraging any and all who take the time to read this to live your life to the fullest and without fear. I don’t mean to be “depressing” or a “kill-buzz”, but life is so fragile and often times, we don’t know if the last time we see each other will truly be “the last time we see each other.”

So I challenge you, as I am challenging myself tonight, to get out of bed each morning (or afternoon) starting tomorrow and hit the ground running, because who knows what tomorrow holds. I don’t… do you?

My best friend, Vanessa, gave me this poem a month or so before her death. I hope it comforts someone out there as it has comforted me.

It seems wherever I go,
People come into my life or out of it
Touching me where I can feel
Then leaving me only a memory,
Like the gossamer fairy tales of children-
Easily forgotten,
And I wasn’t through knowing them.

How do I know who I am seeing for the last time?
How do I halt your life to gather and keep all those around you that you’ve known?
And how do I keep fairy tales from losing their magic?

Yet come,
Brush against the walls of my life
And stay long enough for us to know each other.
Even though we’ll have to part sometime
And we both know the longer you stay,
The more I will want you back when you are gone.

But come anyway,
For fairy tales are the happiest stories we ever read
And great books are made of little chapters.

-”Fairy Tales” by Chester Swor

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4 thoughts on ““So Come – Brush Against the Wall of My Life”

  1. That was an excellent post today. Thanks so much for sharing it. I
    really enjoyed reading it very much. You have a wonderful day!

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  2. Hey Vanessa, I know that this reply comes several days late. I really enjoyed this one but as I am, you might say; emotionally torn up inside by Grandpa’s inevitable departure, I have been mulling things over. I have not been praying for the healing of his body although his suffering deeply saddens me; he is though ready to to go home to heaven. All this I am sure you know more than me.
    I just wanted to share a beautiful dialogue from a movie that you may or not be familiar with. Its called,”Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium”. If you have not; I recommend it. It is more of kid movie but it deals with the topic of death and does so beautifully! It stars Dustin Hoffman and Natalie Portman. Mr. Magorium is the owner of a wonderfully magical toy store and Has lived about 234 years, I think.
    In his last conversation with his manager and intended successor Mahoney (Natalie Portman); he relates the following:

    Mr. Magorium: [to Molly, about dying] When King Lear dies in Act V, do you know what Shakespeare has written? He’s written “He dies.” That’s all, nothing more. No fanfare, no metaphor, no brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is “He dies.” It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with “He dies.” And yet every time I read those two words, I find myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. And I know it’s only natural to be sad, but not because of the words “He dies.” but because of the life we saw prior to the words.

    [pause, walks over to Molly]

    Mr. Magorium: I’ve lived all five of my acts, Mahoney, and I am not asking you to be happy that I must go. I’m only asking that you turn the page, continue reading… and let the next story begin. And if anyone asks what became of me, you relate my life in all its wonder, and end it with a simple and modest “He died.”
    Molly Mahoney: [starting to sob] I love you.
    Mr. Magorium: I love you, too.

    [picks Molly up, sighs heavily]

    Mr. Magorium: Your life is an occasion. Rise to it

    I watched it with the kids again and although I would rather be stoic about it, I will honestly say I was nearly in tears. Grandpa has lived his life fully and I am always proud of the things he accomplished and how seemingly untiringly he lived his life moving forward. Even though I will be sad because his beautiful life will be over I will continue to relate his story in all its wonder.

  3. Pingback: Taking a Moment to Remember My Grandpa… « My Life This Year

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